So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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