best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
