tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
