I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize