it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
