Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
