Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
