call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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