just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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