why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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