Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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