____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
