I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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