I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
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