I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
