happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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