I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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