I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
