I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
