Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
please don't ironically join a cult
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