Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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