Duck Duck Cougar?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
