Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
