im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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