so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
