I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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