road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
being pregnant is like rehab
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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