YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
