Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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