i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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