I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
