I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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