who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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