just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
