I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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