she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
