Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
