I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
