my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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