so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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