My friends, they love my intelligence
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Let's get the cat blown out
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize