Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
