he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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