You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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