my vag is so smooth its legendary
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
