when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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