I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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