Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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