You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
