I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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