and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
