just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
