if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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