turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
