you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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