Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
