I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
