He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
