the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
