I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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