Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm sobbing to NWA
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
